Tower Guard Reflections

One of the Ugandans that I work with enlightened me with some incredible information that I did not know. He told me, in a very matter-of-fact manner, that American women fuck dogs. And that's where gonnorhea comes from. You can't make this shit up.

It's cool watching Strykers roll out at night, when they turn the lights off so you can't even see them, you just hear the high pitched whine of the engine, and before you know it, you can't even hear that anymore. I never knew we were such stealthy bastards.

The April Fool's prank seems to have failed. I'll wait a bit longer before I give up and reveal it.

Gnats are horrible creatures. I found that the can of spray that's in the tower isn't repellant, but insecticide. It only works if you can spray it in their little homes. I have no idea where they dwell, so instead I prefer to shoot each individual gnat out of the air with a long blast of toxins. My brain cell count is declining, faster than normal.

In light of my theory on the uniform itself having passive effects on the wearer, I'd like to point out that while in normal attire, I obey social norms, atleast somewhat. In uniform, however, I will pick my nose and blow snot rockets, regardless of where I am, what situation I am in, and who is around.

The Ugandan who enlightened me on the intimate relations between canines and American women has never heard of Tijuana, or donkey shows. He made a mental note to hit up Google after his shift.

My platoon rolled back onto the FOB as I watched from the tower. At first I waved, but then I decided that it would be more appropriate to flip them the bird. Later on, I met up with one of the medics in the chow hall.

"I saw you in the tower," he said.

"Yeah, I waved. Then I flipped [Hannibal] the bird," I replied.

"Oh we saw that too. First Sergeant waved. Then you flipped the bird."

"No shit? What did he say?"


"Ah fuck..."

Now everywhere I go, I'm expecting to hear a voice somewhere behind me, shouting something along the lines of, "C'mere, 'Stud'!"

At that moment, I'll turn around and he'll see my hair all unregulation-long and I'll have what Army types call a "bad day."


  1. Red said...
    You know if you got your hair cut you wouldn't get chewed out for having it too long...

    themorethingschange... said...
    "Gnats are horrible creatures."

    Roger that. I especially hate it when they get in your nose cause its all sticky and nasty in there and you have to blow them out before you feel their sticky little feet crawling into your brain ... pretty much the same with ears except you usually need a Qtip to dig them out...nasty

    C'mere, 'Stud'!"

    Now thats a side of you most of us aren't familiar with - would you care to elaborate? No?

    Aunt Sandy?
    Aprillini said...
    You are hilarious. I'm definitely an American woman...I've eyed a German shepherd or two....does that count?
    Anonymous said...
    Payback, lol. That's what you get for encouraging the Ugandan.
    Anonymous said...
    Just for clarification;

    "I'd like to point out that while in normal attire, I obey social norms, atleast somewhat."

    That has always been debatable; you've pushed it to the limits on more than one occasion, as I recall...

    Picture Suspect's younger brother's babtism: Pastor Joe stands in front of the first row, talking to the family, of which a 4-year- old Suspect is sitting directly in front. Pastor Joe reaches out, tossles young Suspect's hair. In response, my innocent little... lifts up to the Paster his prized possession, a Police Academy toy. Pastor Joe smiles, as I look on in horror, wishing I could do the dive to him while sceaming, "Noooooooo!" as the little charmer presses the button on the back of the toy that causes the pants to drop to the toy's ankles. If I live to be 100 I will always remember Paster Joe saying, "Oh...Kay...."

    David M said...
    The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 04/09/2008 News and Personal dispatches from the front lines.
    Anonymous said...
    Uh, Leona, we need more "suspect" stories... I still laugh like an idiot over the "house fell on her sister" story. :)
    Anonymous said...
    1) You are SO not normal out of uniform. That's ok, it makes you a rare commodity.

    2) You should get your hair cut now so that it's all long and sexy when you come back for the ladies.

    3) To your mom's story, it's ok. You wouldn't believe the stories my dad has about things kids do during church (that's more for your mom's benefit than yours, the poor woman).

    AND 4) Tell that silly Ugandan that some women don't even LIKE dogs. Some of us are cat people.

    Anonymous said...
    So . . . you wisely decided you were short enough to flip the shirt your personal regards?

    OMFG you asshole! What were you thinking? OK. OK, NVM. Just get a punk shave and really, really try to keep a low profile. You're short, you'll probably live through it.

    It could work. It's just crazy enough to work.
    Jenni said...
    i don't know if i'm the supposed victim to your april fool's joke, but if so, i hope it makes you feel better that you got me and cory without even hardly doing anything.

    april 2nd: i read your blog. chris mentions a ups slip: we have a package to pick up. notice a mysterious comment on chris's myspace from you: 'i got plans, son'. hmmmm...i also recall you asking for my address a few weeks ago, because you "thought" my birthday was in june. hmmmm. something smells fishy.

    so i make cory come with me to ups. (i have no idea where it was, so i follow a random ups truck on tenth) =D we make it there, and pick up the package. by then we've made several conjectures what it could possibly be. i ask the lady if they screen these packages very well and get a weird look.

    cory picks up the package, and we can hear something sloshing around. uh oh. he has it on his lap as i drive home...and i wonder out loud if you would be mean enough to send me one of those hideous camel spiders. cory flips out.

    finally get back to the apartment and i notice the package isn't addressed to me, but to chris, so i make him open it.

    moment of truth......

    he opens it up and pulls out....two six packs of beer. duh. chris's beer of the month subscription i got him for valentine's day. i feel extremely blonde.

    so good job doughboy. you got me without even trying. =)
    Jenni said...
    and about the hair/bad day...if you do have to shave, i'm sure chad can empathize ;)
    BigD said...
    Hi Suspect,
    Seems like you are in a little better frame of mind today, guard duty and all. It is a bad thing to flip the bird to your superiors? Ha, ha...bet it felt good though, huh? I got a good laugh tonight reading your "Tower Guard Reflections." Snot rockets are disgusting and don't know why guys do such a thing, so if I ever do cross paths with you, I hope you are wearing your regular clothes.
    So what exactly is an Army "bad day" I guess a studly guy like you can get away with most anything, including long hair, flipping the bird and blowing snot rockets. Take care Stud, your the best.
    ABWF said...
    Did you get really lucky and have your Army "bad day" involve Army "counseling" from the 1SG? I *love* Army counseling stories.
    Anonymous said...
    clothes make the man

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