What An Asshole

Never to be defeated, the arrogant bastard that I am, I refuse to succumb to the depressive knowledge that I have to leave what I feel is the coolest city in the world.

I try to take my friend to my sacred lounge, only to find that we wasted too much time shopping for stupid shit, and they're closed. This bummed me out further, so we settled for a pisspoor bar on the second floor with no windows, brick walls, and no sense of Awesome that the previous one did.

On a whim, we decided to hit the famous sky lounge from the hotel featured in my favorite movie, "Lost In Translation". We take a taxi to the Park Hyatt Hotel, with only a half hour left until last call. We cross our fingers as we catch every damn red light in our path.

By some sick twisted miracle of a bizarre god, we make it on time and make our way through the hotel. I'm silently tripping out, like a rocker that stumbled across the stage of the first tiny gig that Metallica played. I see familiar hallways, and I do all I can to contain myself, already buzzed with the blessed sake that I've become to intimate with.

The elevator doors open and we turn a corner, and fuck me rotten, there we are, in the same bar that I wanted to be in for four years now. I order a drink dedicated to the movie as well as an order of sake, my friends order their own sake, and we squeeze the last half hour of the night out.

Once everyone else was gone, we took our drunken cue and left. At this point, the only decent and good thing to do is to ride this out and keep on wringing the juices out. I feel fucking great, and we decide to hit up a convenience store for more booze. Fuck it, we have to go back to the shittiest place in the world, why not go apeshit while we can? It's what our friends would want us to do.

But the sad thing is, for a twisted bastard like myself, that alone just isn't enough. I was born with an innate ability to disturb and occasionally entertain my mother. God save the world, this ability multiplies each year. I adorned myself with a freshly purchased track suit modeled exactly after the getup of the main character from the Japanese cartoon "DragonBall Z".

The crossing light turns green and I sprint across the road, screaming at the top of my lungs. We ransack the convenience store, loading up on Suntory Whisky, anti-hangover potions, drunk eating, and any seemingly nonsensical items we can think of.

After returning to the room, we realized that we had no ice. Personally, I'm not above drinking rancid liquor straight from the bottle and accepting the hellish consequences, but at a request, we made the order for ice, courtesy of room service.

Five minutes later, there's a knock at the door. I jump up, wrap a white headband around my head, the kind with Japanese Kanji characters and a red sun in the center. I tear the door open and bow.

"Arigato Gozeimas!" I shout (It means thanks very much, homie).

The clerk takes one look at me and does his best to keep a straight face. I worsen the deal by giving him my most dipshit drunk grin. He politely offers me the ice as he continues to completely lose his shit. This poor bastard is trained to be professional and courteous, and he is welcomed at a random door by some psychotic white kid dressed in anime-hero gear and a stereotypical Japanese headband. He is visibly biting his cheek and his stomach is convulsing.

I hope I made that dude's night. That was ten minutes ago.

Anyhow, this one is to you, you the reader, you the anyone, wherever you may be. Though my friend and I return to horseshit duty soon, we aren't there tonight, and we'll act accordingly.

Kon-Pai motherfuckers.


  1. Erin said...
    We, the people, dedicated and loyal followers of Suspect, are entering a plea for PICTURES! of the Illustrious Tokyo Trip. If our formal request for PICTURES! of I.T.T. does not receive an untimely response it shall be submitted again and again because we are whiny little bithces who need some visual documentation (PICTURES!). And no, a picture of you giving us the one finger wave does NOT count. Your consideration of our request would be most appreciated. Sincerely, your steadfast subjects.


    No pressure, though. ;)

    P.S. Fill what time you have left to the brim!!!!!!
    membrain said...
    Holy shit. That made me laugh till I cried. "Arigato Gozeimas!" You are truly sick!!

    I had to google Lost in Translation while I put you on hold to digest the best bits of your post so I left you in your Sky Lounge and went and hung with Bill Murray in his Sky Lounge. He was too drunk to speak but I got to share a cab with him through downtown Tokyo. way cool.

    That finished I went back to YOUR Sky Lounge to follow you on your trip to buy the Dragonball Z suit. Too fucking outrageous!!

    And only now do I find out that Santory Whisky is the Japanese version of Scotch which a bottle of which I had just picked up for the weekend, so while
    you were waiting for the ice I toasted you and your buddy with a shot straight up ( I'll just rot my guts thank you very much)

    And thankfully it was down the old hatch when you opened the door and blew the waiters mind and caused me a serious fit of coughing/laughing until tears stung my eyes shut.

    Your are THE MAN. I'm with Erin Dude; pictures of you as the Dragon Ball z dude would be awesome.

    Oh and thanks for turning me on to Lost in Translation. I LOVE Bill Murray and I don't know how I missed it.

    When I watch it it will have a double whammy now Suspect.

    Don't know how much you've got left but enjoy every minute as only you can.

    Thanks for this.
    Anonymous said...
    My first thought was, God I hope he wasn't nekkid... but then, the Dragonball Z getup. Sigh. What are we going to do with you...

    Aunt Sandy
    Ky Woman said...
    Oh yeah, we most definitely want pictures. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Yours, I think, would tell the whole story!

    I'm sure the room service guy has already spread your story far and wide. You are now famous in the land of Sake...

    Here's a toast I thought you might appreciate.....

    There are many good reasons for drinking --
    And one has just entered my head:
    If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
    How the hell can he drink when he's dead!

    Stay safe!
    Sisu said...
    You. Crack. Me. Up. To have been a fly on the wall...
    Anonymous said...
    Have I ever told you that YOU ARE AWESOME?
    Someone once said that once you left Iraq we'd lose you. I think not. You give us the adventure we never dared achieve ourselves. You find adventure everywhere, and I for one, Thank you.

    natural. born. writer....

    Samantha said...
    hahahaha! Now, THAT sounds like the "suspect" that we know and love. Chad and I couldn't stop laughing with that image of you in DBZ garb in our heads....hahahaha

    Ahh, you made my night. You should try and call us (if it's possible) when you're bored and traveling back. We'd love to laugh about it all with ya :)

    Here's a drink to you. *
    Shambots roll out.
    themorethingschange... said...
    I love ya man! What a wonderful time you've given us!!

    I herewith second Erin's motion, no wait, membrain did that.... so I'll just beg, umm--nah--not my style so guess I'll just stand up and shout -- PICTURES!!!!

    Got more to say but gotta go for now...catch ya later...

    Rock on Suspect!

    Shari said...
    It always makes my day when I see a new post form you!! Thanks for taking us along with you.... now I wanna to go to Tokyo!

    Oh, and as the others have said...
    themorethingschange... said...
    "I try to take my friend to my sacred lounge..."

    I'm thinking the gods, the fates, whatever, didn't want you to lose the sacredness of that spot. For several days it was YOUR "Bliss" --a concept Joseph Campbell talked, wrote and taught about for many, many years.

    I have a fairly old set of tapes called "The Power of Myth"...there was once a PBS series by the same name. Campbell believes everybody needs a sacred place where nobody intrudes, where they don't know whats in the paper, they don't know what they owe anybody...it's just theirs to experience...and he's not talking about church here...my first sacred place was a up a tree...

    When you get to college and a course in religion offers Joseph Campbell,or the theories of myth don't miss it! You've already learned more than you realize...it shows in your work here.

    For me, Campbell pulled a lot of my random thoughts together and I began to see more clearly what I was FEELING about world religions but couldn't make sense of in my mind...

    Ya know, I've been thinking the same thing Anonymous said - when you leave Iraq we'll lose you...
    So. I'm thinking chat room, or maybe SUPPORT GROUP for Suspect withdrawal....seriously ;)

    Wonder if it'll take as long to get back as it did to get away....musing....probably not, it's the Army after all and they're good at ruining a great time.

    At least you can catch some Z's as you wing it to the Purgatorium...

    AND when you get back you can start work on your award winning slide show of Tokyo....

    Speaking of PICTURES, is that you peeking out of a hole in the wall on your first page? Just wondering....:)

    Anonymous said...
    Your blog made international news on the AP wire ..... a writing career may be in the offing.

    The black-shrouded Web site opens with a soldier's silhouette and the pounding rhythm of Nine Inch Nails: ``Into the fire you can send us,'' the words go. ``From the fire we return.''

    This is the Unlikely Soldier's blog, where a young infantryman known as The Usual Suspect rants and shares his experiences in what soldiers call The Sandbox.

    ``One year ago,'' when his unit first arrived in Iraq, ........we could be cool with the people, and bring the hammer down on the baddies.''

    Glad you're enjoying R&R....
    Thanks for the stories
    Thom Paine
    themorethingschange... said...
    YO YO YO!!

    USA Today has picked it up too...I put Usual Suspect on my Google Alert and bingo!

    Only thing is I can't tell from the story if they actually talked to Suspect or the quotes came from his blog....for instance, I don't remember this: "a low rumble shakes my Stryker (armored vehicle), and two of our guys are killed by an IED while they were dismounted." How did I miss that!?

    Thanks for the heads-up Thom Paine!
    Anonymous said...
    I've read all Suspect's postings and don't recall him mentioning it publicly, He may have said it in an interview; maybe he'll tell us later ...
    the other poster also mentioned ..blogs under KABOOM ... and I believe he was interviewed .... Much of Suspect's writings deserve notice.. he's extremely good isn't he !

    again... thanks for the stories Troop ... I have checked on you every day for several months.

    Thom Paine
    Jessie said...
    Oh, hey, Mr. Famous. Can I get your autograph?

    Okay, sarcasm aside - I know, I know, but it can actually happen - I'm glad you're writing. For you. No one else. And this, I think, shows that it's very, very necessary (in that you're not alone). That's been covered though, long ago by us. Hunted down the link, and as always you come across as well-spoken and intelligent. Proud for you.

    I'd high-five you, but I don't think I want to know where that hand's been. (Okay, couldn't resist.)
    Anonymous said...
    Best wishes. Thoughts and prayers..
    Anonymous said...
    did i NOT tell you tokyo is awesome? i'm so glad your having a good time buddy!!! love ya!

    Anonymous said...
    As the years go by, you're more capable of amusing me than frustrate me. =-> You crack me up.

    Love you bud...
    Anonymous said...
    For ~P~
    He wrote about it on 2/8 "The Downward Spiral":

    "Then a low rumble shakes my Stryker, and two of our guys are killed by an IED while they were dismounted. People emerged from their houses and cheered."
    Anonymous said...
    I came across this blog from a USA today article. And the first article I read is about you dressing up in a DBZ outfit with a japanese headband on. That mental image made me crack up sooo much.

    I think I will be visiting this blog regulary now, though I doubt I will be reading many more funny posts such as that.

    ps. Lost in Translation is an incredible movie. I'm very jealous of you for getting to visit that awesome lounge bill murray was in.
    onesorrybastard said...
    vent on my partner in crime. damn the picture thing. may all of you sorry bastards return safely to the land of bullshit and politics safely and after mission completion. god speed warriors!
    themorethingschange.... said...
    From ~P~

    Thanks for the info! I remember Downward Spiral but maybe I thought he was describing a dream...gonna go check after this.


    There's no doubt that we have a
    really promising writer here...we know how proud his mom and aunt Sandy are, and I bet there are a few high school teachers bustin' their buttons too!

    Thom, read Jason Elliot's AN UNEXPECTED LIGHT and tell me you don't see Suspect doing the same thing ... never met a stranger, clear, sometimes stream of consciousness style writing you can't put down till you know how his exploits end. Both writers make you feel you're traveling along in their hip pocket
    sharing their fun and their fears.
    And both make you chuckle at how they find amusement and, from time to time, how they get themselves out of trouble!

    Anonymous said...
    If you're going to be famous, you owe us pictures, your loyal readers. :) Good things will happen for you - don't get your ass shot off.
    Office Lady said...
    ...so just wondering...is anyone else struck by the fact that this post was written when most of us would actually be face down, hoping the spinning would stop sometime soon??

    Amazing feat.
    Anonymous said...
    I'm a little late on this one, but I found something that reminded me of this story and I really really think you should try this next time:

    "I'm always looking for new ways to answer the door when I order food. I've found the best way is tied to a chair."

    In the Goku getup it would be even MORE awesome.

    Just a thought :)

    Rhiannon said...
    As a bartender, I can honestly say that if I was in your bartender's position, I would have manned up until I saw you leave, then I would have cracked up. And possibly told my fellow bartenders. Cats like you make a night of bitchy customers worth it.
    Rhiannon said...
    *Clerk. I know who I mean.

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