Sushi Is Fail

There's an unwritten rule that requires any dipshit tourist in Japan to run out to a sushi restaurant, grab a menu, and point and grunt at a random picture, having resolved to try the Sushi Phenomenon. We were no exception.

Your beloved dynamic duo aimed themselves down a narrow street lined with shops and lights and signs, restaurants, convenience stores, little bars, anything. We found a restaurant that had doors that looked like the old school wooden sliding doors. They were painted to look that way though, actually being metal in reality, with a button in it labeled PUSH. Upon pressing the button, the doors automatically slid open, creating a paradox of old school antiquity with Star Wars technology.

The seats were tiny and I had no legroom, so I had to lean forward. We ordered some platter thing that was supposedly for two people. And then we waited, whispering smartass comments back and forth.

"What, are they still trying to catch the fish? How long does it take to grab a bunch of raw shit and throw it on a plate?"

A microscopic plate covered with assorted bits of What The Shit was delivered to us. We broke apart our chopsticks and fumbled with them like we'd been gassed with ether. I snatched up the first piece that was obviously fish, as it still had the skin and whatnot, and shoved it in my mouth. Not bad.

I just burped, and I can still taste it. Thought you should know.

Next, I snared a purplish square of some mystery meat, spotting suction cups on one side just as I threw it into my mouth. Must be octopus. Not bad to be honest, until you feel the suction cups crunching in your teeth, and you realize you're chowing down on Spongebob's pal. Speaking of Spongebob, a square of egg resembled a sponge, in an uncanny way. I decided to go ahead and eat Spongebob too.

A green blob of what appeared to be Play-Do lied in wait for me, so I threw that into my gaping maw as well. It stung like crowd control and set my mouth on fire. I did the typical hilarious reaction, where one realizes too late what they just ate and they suddenly go rigid and their eyes grow large.

Fucking wasabe.

I sucked down orange juice and any other random shit on my plate, ignoring the tough entrails that refused to break as I chewed through them. Shrimp or something that were fully intact, beady little black eyes staring at us.

"Aw dude, I can't eat something that still has EYES!" my friend laughs. We choke down the majority of the plate, looking at each other with regret in our eyes as we chuckle about this bizarre failed experiment.

We stood up, paid our check and walked out.

"All right," the friend says, "Wanna go get some dinner?"

We walked back to the hotel, glad that we could scratch sushi off of our to-do list.



  1. Jessie said...
    I had sushi when I was....around 12, I think, and ugh. No. I stuck to the fish that were scaled, but that stupid green square was the death of me.

    Some things in life are wholly evil.
    Aprillini said...
    Hilarious! Great descriptions of what the shit sushi. I like sushi, but I've choked down some suspicious stuff myself and been glad to have survived. :)
    Jenni said...
    Before completely scratching sushi off your edible foods list, you should try SJ's sushi and seafood dinner. (Living in a landlocked state makes me a little wary of raw fish...how fresh can it be?) But in Maine you know it's fresh and his is delicious... =)
    Anonymous said...
    I almost lost my mother-in-law to wasabi. I watched in amazement as she spooned a bunch on her plate at a buffet. 'You really like wasabi?" I asked. No response; I was the unfortunate choice of daghter-in-law; after all. We sat and began to eat, I watched her warily. She dipped her fork into the mound. "Wait!" I yelled, "You really want to dilute that!" She looked at me as though I were mad and tucked it in. She snatched off her glasses, and gave me a look as though she were trapped, and began to stream sweat. She couldn't breathe, but she wanted to breathe. After her eyes went back in their sockets and her own body was no longer trying to strangle her she murmured she had thought it was guacamole.
    Anonymous said...
    I don't think I would like sushi either if I got the kind that came equipped with eyes and skin (and I don't eat the suction cup ones either).

    Way to go all out, tho. The wasabi part made me laugh. a LOT.
    Anonymous said...
    Well, no one can say you aren't adventurous. That said, there's something fundamentally wrong about eating Spongebob and Patrick. Go. Have more fun. ~Lynda
    Anonymous said...
    Have you seen the Korean movie "Oldboy" by any chance? There's a scene where the protagonist, after inexplicably being released from a private prison after seventeen years, goes to a sushi bar and says "I want to eat something alive."
    The whole eyes thing is nothing after seeing that scene.

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