De-Loused In The Tokyotorium

You lucky, filthy vicaracious living leeching fucks, you get a 100 per cent Un CENSORED post from super DRUNKASS Suspect, ready to lay it all down with ruthless God Knows What.

The sun is apparently coming up, I've got a pocket full of cigarettes I've never heard of. What I'd LIKE to brag about all depends on the permission of my past-out friend. So that will wait.

Here's the fucking sticky gooey story bullshit for you voracious starving......people.

We traveled for fucking DAYS. Waiting, doing, but MORE waiting. You have NO purpose bitching about the DMV after going through this shit. I used the word Purgatory as a joke and a motif of sorts, but fuck me rotten and call me Anne Frank, this is RIDICULOUS.

FOB Anaconda, POG-ville, lasts for an eternity enough as it is. Yes, I'm an evil little bastard and I should be whipped and caned, but even I have never done enough evil to warrant a waiting period in this pitiful land of Fobbit-FucktardVille.

After the escape of such horrid bile and monkey spooge, one boards one of MANY MANY MANY fucking planes and somehow travels to their intended destination, and all is cool and everyone gets their rocks off. 'Cept me.

Kuwait airport. Subtle terror seizes me as I walk around in civilian clothes, realizing too late that my shirt broadcasts a gas mask resembling a skull, with crossed MISSILES behind them. Very diplomatic.

I hop another plane, eat another joke of a meal, attempt to sleep a wink, and I'm crossing time zones, and now we're in Dubai, and who knows if THESE Arabs dig us or not, and whatever, as long as they don't behead my dumb ass. Connect a flight to Seoul, pause to grab a quick shot of whatever SOJU is, and pow! On to Tokyo, where we arrive, and my intestines suffer travel-agony and I temporarily regret rubbing it in to my friends back in the 'Raq that I finally get some damn vacation.

All four ninja turtles perform a Battle Royale on my lower guts and I groan like a little girl as I make periodic bathroom stops with NO success, just increasing self pity. I become the poster-boy of Excretory Agony. Quite humorous, I'd have to admit.

My friend and I eventually just say FUCK IT, and I spring for cab fare, dropping shit....what...something like 200 bucks American in cab fare just to get to our hotel. From there, we walk to a convenience store, buy some weird booze, drink, watch "2girls1cup" (you are all whiney bitches because that video isn't SHIT), laughed [and pleaded for Jesus] and drank some more.

We woke up, hopped our dumb asses on a train for some district called ShinJewKu, and explored. Buildings has floors upon floors of women's clothing, and we explored it anyway, because fuck it, we're foreigners, and WHAT are they going to do, DEPLOY US?!

Most Japanese people seem to be in their own little world and do not socialize AT ALL. We great a stranger on the street, and unless we give ourselves enough time to stare them down after greeting them, we won't get a response.


Atleast I'd get a reaction in the states. Here? I might as well be Michael Keaton's WELL ACTED ghost. Like that metrosexual Patrick Swayze from "Ghost".

Anyway, like any true American, I decided that this was all unsatisfactory and that I'd shift the influence a little.

In all reality, I just proved that white guys + liquor = Sure, We'll Do An MC Hammer Impression.

Sweet Jesus, King of Jews and shit, I don't even know where to start. Let me just admit this, and you are completely welcome to laugh at MY expense:

We hit up some bar and it's great and all. We're buzzing from our pre-game (Yes, by the way, we found an IRANIAN restaurant and ate there, all the while I put on the most PITIFUL Australian accent you ever heard). Short (but not as short as we thought) Japanese types are getting their drink on to AnyType Music playing through the FuckItWe'reDrunkOrSoonWillBe speakers of anywhere, ShuHolyShit District, Tokyo.

Some filthy SKANK, ultimate dirty hooker face eyes me. I immediately think of hooking this filthy STD market up with my friend [I probably have deep rooted self-esteem issues, to explain why I love watching my friends destroy every last semblence of courage and self-confidence that they could ever own]. I buy this monstrosity a shot of Tequila (at her request) and promptly get a "Forgive Me Father, no, I MEAN IT, FORGIVE ME FATHER" Lick of the earlobe. I mean, this bitch went Beethoven's Bathouse on my ear. She got FILTHY with it.

And I thought, "Strange, but kinda cool I guess."

Until this tiny little 30-or-so Japanese/American girl came to my rescue. It all invovled a lot of drunken "dancing" (me being wasted enough to accept the inevitable humor in me trying to get my "groove" on) and plenty of ME BEING DEAD SEXY.

Point is, this tiny little sweetheart was kind enough to fill me in on important information. Long story short, I found out that I bought a tequila shot for a TRANSEXUAL DUDE WHO SUBSEQUENTLY SUCKED MY EARLOBE LIKE IT WAS THE COCK OF JUDAS.

Is this wrong? I'd like to think so.

The nice little Japanese woman laughed at me, told me I was 'down to earth'. Did the European greeting fake-ass kiss on the cheek bullshit and that was that. We ended up wandering around Roppongi looking for more action, but it's all the same "I Got Wasted And Called The DJ Out, And DJ Starscream is STILL Better" story.

I don't even know where the fuck I was going with this bullshit to be honest. All I know is that the sun is coming up, and I'm wasted (but not blacked out), and it's been crazy so far.

I do miss you all from the back home parts, but I still feel that the only way to do something like this, is to go totally crazy. So sorry that we turned down Nigerian pimps tonight, random asian "Masseuses" etc etc etc.

Blah blah blah, more bullshit. Til next time.

ALSO: Fuck you, I'm drunk.


  1. membrain said...
    Okay, that was a seriously funny post. Tokyo! How cool is that. I love the bit about your shirt with the rockets on it.

    Outragageous Australian accent in an IRANIAN restaurant. Works for me.

    And you sound like you're really having fun! I reminds me of too many Tequila sunrises in my past.

    Have great time.
    Anonymous said...
    damn I should have said fuck the money and just went with yall.....
    Anonymous said...
    that was jackson btw ^
    Anonymous said...
    hahahaha...ohh good, its everything I hoped it would be. Please, continue to kick Tokyo ass, and tell me all about it later in full gory brutal detail. ^^

    -Shambot McNeely (don't ask)
    Red said...
    LMFAO that made my whole day right there. Tokyo! You will totally pwn that whole city. I think if I was Tokyo I would be really, really worried right now.

    Sounds like you're enjoying yourself over there, so I won't bother to tell you to have fun... Remember (if you remember anything) that we want the story, the whole story, and all the other bullshit that comes with the story.

    And I'm stuck not there... oh well.
    Jessie said...
    Okay, princess, that was funny as hell. To be a fly on the wall...
    Anonymous said...
    Awesome fucking drunk post. I will say on behalf of the deceased Anne Frank, that you, idiothead, signed up for your torture, and she did not. You rock! And yeah, i'm living vicariously and loving every fucking minute of it.
    Anonymous said...
    Your first real night out and already a transsexual hooker story...

    I'm not sure if I should be worried or not.

    Oh, and Soju = good shit.

    I looke forward to more inebriated postings, and even more inebriated messages :P
    themorethingschange... said...

    Both the 4-legged creatures who live with me flew off the cushions they were so comfortably snoozing on when I read the bit about the trany!

    It was SO Suspect that if it hadn't actually happened you'dve had to make it up!

    Note to self: pitch reality show in Japan featuring American GI's...

    I sure hope all the time you guys burned on the way there isn't counted as leave time. Oh, wait, it IS the Army we're talkin' about here...

    Rock on guys!

    Ky Woman said...
    Hmmm, the one tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila = floor doesn't apply to you.
    The trany scene was hilarious! Oh yeah, to have been a fly on the wall then.

    Tokyo will never be the same.

    Have loads of fun and keep telling us about it!
    Anonymous said...
    BEAUTIFUL~ Couldn't stop laughing...

    Oh, and SOJU is some interesting stuff, huh? Those of us SONJUs that got assigned to Korea know all too well what that stuff is.

    Keep 'em coming. Glad you're having a good time!
    Army Sergeant said...
    Dude, I am horrified by the fact that the '2girls1cup' thing has penetrated that far. Has the entire Army gone crazy with it? Insane.

    Glad you're having fun times though.

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