The Adventure Continues

My homedude woke me up at some mid-morning hour to inform me that we had to leave, that we didn't have this hotel booked anymore. I thought we still had another day. I crawled out of bed in a still-half-drunk buzz and attempted to pull myself together.

We threw our shit in our backpacks and walked out, slightly bummed. It was a damn good hotel, and fucking CHEAP as it gets. If you're military and kicking it in Tokyo, check out The New Sanno Hotel. The ultimate hookup.

Walking down the clean streets of Tokyo, trash cans rarely ever seen, litter just as rare, concrete and asphalt and greener than green trees, crazy signs with English and chicken-scratch Kanji writing. We searched randomly for a new hotel as our hangovers crept up on us. Every convenience store we found, I stopped and bought sandwiches and fruit juice, greedily sucking them down, trying my best to mitigate the oncoming trainwreck.

As hard as I fought it, it crept up slowly and aggressively, like a very patient hunter. I finally flagged down a taxi driver and squeezed my temples as I asked, "Hotelu wa doku des ka?"


"Any hotel."

"Hotelu Enni?"

"No, I mean like.....the first place you can find, the nearest, you know...uh......fuck, dude, where's the translation book thing?"

My friend shrugs. "I threw it in one of the bags." He then rattles off random words until he recalls the word for "nearest". We end up at some uber-businessman type hotel. I was too fucking hung over to notice or care, I just wanted a room.

44,000 yen. Roughly 440 bucks a night. Normally I would have laughed and told them to fuck right off, but we were hurting, so we took it. We slept all afternoon and woke as the sun went down, booking a new hotel for the rest of our stay, doing a slight amount of planning, sending emails to friends we made the night before, recovering, taking it easy, and having a couple Jack And Cokes between the two of us. Tiny little buzz and internet browsing while we wait for Friday night to unfold.

The Japanese people are fucking fascinating. They take their jobs very seriously. At the airport, we asked an old taxi driver how to get to the New Sanno Hotel. He had no clue, so he promptly SPRINTED across the street and asked some girl. She didn't know, so he did another dash back into the airport.

The guy at the information desk gave me his lighter out of courtesy.

A Nigerian dude in Roppongi, after attempting (and failing) to get us to go to the titty bar where he works, showed us where all the normal clubs are.

[Mini-rant: In the Roppongi district, there are a lot of Nigerian dudes whose job is to stand on the streets and direct people to various tit clubs. With my ritual of getting New Guys drunk and allowing them to blow their entire paycheck at Fox's in Washington, I've had my fill of titclubs (See Also: Suspect's 21st Birthday/The Weirdest Family Gathering Ever). We'd been warned not to trust these guys with our credit cards, so I dealt only in cash while I was in that area. These cats live to hustle, and part of me respects that. Stupid faaaawking tourists. After a while, when they'd approach us and try to get us to go to their clubs, I'd respond with, "Fuck that dude, we're getting wasted at 911! What time do you get off work? No man, I'm serious, don't jerk my fuckin' chain and waste my time, when d'ya get off work? Y'wanna do some shots with us? Course ya do! Arright man, I'll be out here at three o'clock to get you. You better not fucking dip out on us!" Anything to put the ball back in my court. Let them feel assaulted for a change.]

While the Japanese people are amazing with customer service and professionalism, their also incredibly antisocial. It's like everyone walks around in their own little world, head in the clouds, stuck in a bubble. Half the time they don't notice when you greet them. The other half of the time, they just ignore you. Once in a while, someone will mumble a meek response, "Ohio Gozeimas" or "Konnichi wa" or "Konbon wa" depending on the hour, but that's it.

I still attempt to recall events from the previous night. I don't remember if I wrote about the German guy who posed as a retarded person to grope girls. He went to the bathroom the same time I did, so there I was, drunk as shit, dick hanging out of my pants, pissing out five different types of liquor, when I start talking to him. At first it's cordial with hidden undertones of distrust as I try to figure this dude out. He was a little weird, but he seemed more normal suddenly. So I screwed that shit on, brought out the hate and fury and amped up the accusations. He said that next time I come to Germany, he won't help me.

Roppongi is Sin City.

Now we sit in our hotel room, my friend racked out, resting up for our next busy day. I've already tried out the bidet (SIC) for the first time. I was pretty apprehensive about asking for a squirt to the ass, but dammit, it was just too weird to pass up. I hit the button, raised the water pressure, and then warm water is spraying my ass. It was a little disturbing, with horrible undertones that I didn't want to think of, and I began to wonder if this thing was designed by my tansexual tongue-fucking Tequila slurping friend from the night before.

This city is from the future or something. Everything is technologically advanced. Motion sensing faucets and soap dispensers, a remarkably efficient subway system, beer in vending machines, incredible shit. Speakers with sound feed from the TV that play in the bathroom, even though there's no screen there.

Each thought is broken and scattered and interrupted by a hundred more, even writing is an ADHD challenge. I'm charged and on fire and ALIVE here. I love this place, and I'm damn glad I didn't come alone. It wouldn't be the same. My friend and I ate pizza and discussed our old friend who got out of the army because his back was fucked up.

"Man, I'd be down to pay half for his plane ticket to get him here, he needs to come do this with us."

"No shit! But he'd be like, 'Man, ah WANNA go, believe me, but ah cain't, ah got my job now, ah wish ah could though, MOTHERFUCKIN' BITCH...'"

"Yeah, but what's ONE job versus coming here with US and kicking it in fucking TOKYO? This shit doesn't happen to everyone, this is something monumental. It's epic dude, epic lulz and shit."

"I'd be down to ask him, but I know his answer would be no."

Well dickhead, since I know you'll be reading this, I'll put you on the spot in front of everyone. Yosemite Slim and I will buy you a plane ticket here if you're down. You have to do this man, this shit is insane.

Fifteen stories above the world, I look out the window and see the orderly scramble of neon night life in the most incredible city in existence, and I fidget a little. It's early AM Friday, so tonight and tomorrow, it's going to be insane in the nightlife. I'll be there personally to cover the story. But first we have to check out of this ultra expensive hotel and go to our next. In this building, everyone wears suits and ties and makes a shit-ton of money, classical music plays in the lobbies, dinners are priced at Your Soul, quiet aristocratic elitism permeates the building.

And two hung over Outsiders stagger in wearing jeans and t-shirts and the scars of a brutal night of mid-deployment rampaging, demand a room, and pass out for half a day. We don't belong here. It's awesome.

Tonight, we're checking for Adam's Apples first.


  1. Jenni said...
    As far as the trannies go, Tucker Max's story instantly comes to mind. Eww, lol.

    As for the hangovers...take a Pepcid before you drink, as well as a multivitamin (vitamin B is your best friend..remember that). And drink lots of water and/or Powerade before and after you go out. I'm preaching to the choir, aren't I? ;)

    Throw a half-eaten burger on a roof for me. Or sushi. Or whatever it is they eat over there. =)
    Red said...
    bidet = odd, I should have warned you :)

    And that is a whole lotta money for one night at a hotel room. It had better be the best hotel you ever stay at. Ah well, take some tylenol and get a nap. And yes, do check for Adam's apples first!
    Jessie said...
    Hey, think of it this way. Tarina managed to withdraw all her rent money because she didn't do the conversions right. So she had about a thousand in yen on her at Tokyo, and she wasn't happy about it. So at least you didn't ATM all the money you had in the world. *laugh*

    And as a woman, I refuse to use a bidet. The toilet industry's lucky I even sit on their damn products. Uck. No thanks on getting cleaned by a whale spout.
    David M said...
    The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front News and Personal dispatches from the front lines.
    Anonymous said...
    Ha damn man now I feel like I let everyone down after you put me on the spot like that. Hope no one is mad at me.

    If it wasn't for my job and school, believe me, I would be there right now.

    Oh, after paying that much for one night, I damn sure wouldn't have let you pay my way there! That doesn't surprise me though after the 100 dollar cab rides we always seemed to find.

    Anonymous said...
    "Suspect's 21st Birthday/The Weirdest Family Gathering Ever" that's the perfect description...i've thought of that myself, more than once. hope you can find some time to relax...S.

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