My Friends Are Assholes

"Suspect! Wake up! Wanna go to chow?"

I mumble something incoherent, along the lines of "eat shit". I drift back to sleep.

"Suspect! We gotta go man, daylight saving's time."

I groan and tell him that I don't want to. And then it's quiet in the tent. And the tent is empty. I sit up so fast my brain almost crashes into the front of my skull.


I'm throwing on random clothing articles, half-assing everything in a Tasmanian Devil tornado and run out the door. My watch says we have ten minutes before we roll out. For the love of God, tell me the trucks are still on the line.

They are, and no one is around. I'm still not even awake, running on auto-pilot survival instincts. Are these bastards so low that they'd all close up the trucks with them inside to fuck with me? I've got a key to the truck with my gear in it anyway.

I open the back and it's empty, and everyone's gear is still inside. About this time, the shit-faced-tired cobwebs are starting to clear out of my mind, and to no one in particular, I say,

"....It's January. JANUARY! Daylight savings time...?"

I look all around me.

"I'm gonna kill that motherfucker."


  1. Anonymous said...
    That's grounds for a serious beatin'. Hopefully that'll be your next post.
    Lyn said...
    No, don't kill him, that's much too quick.

    I recommend something causing a much slower decline into insanity--involving duct taping him to a chair from head to toe, gluing his eyelids open and forcing him to watch 57 straight hours of lectures on quantum physics, before ripping out all his body hair via the duct tape.
    Red said...
    You need to make them miserable. Hide their socks.

    Just remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

    Brownie points for anyone who knows where that line comes from.
    WmEarl said...
    Friends don't do that, children do. I will take the brownies, don't need the points -- StarTrek II Wrath of the Khan, but then Wikipedia has been wrong before.
    Anonymous said...
    Pierre Cholerlos de Laclos, Les Liasons Dangerereuses, 1872. Also an english proverb. Next time he takes a nap, tie his shoelaces together. What are friends for?
    Office Lady said...
    ...and yet, I'm guessing you reluctantly admire the genius of the whole deal.

    At least enough to chronicle it here.

    I, for one, am looking forward to the details of the well-deserved payback ...

    *small of me I know!*
    Anonymous said...
    Okay, it was mean, but I'm actually sad that I didn't think of it first.
    wakingdaydreams said...
    How long did it take them to stop laughing at you?


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