1.15.2008

Back To The Front

It's damn near 3 AM and not even a care-package ravaging mouse is stirring in this tent, the one that reeks of dirty socks and sweaty nuts. No, everyone else is thoroughly racked the fuck out, dreaming and snoring, pressing the Next Chapter button on this great DVD. Except me.

Yeah, that laptop glow is coming from my little hooch, my shoddily constructed cave. No desire to sleep cuz I've got no desire for anything that tomorrow holds. Works like this, chief: if it isn't R&R leave or a REDEPLOYMENT TO THE STATES, then I couldn't give one rainbow colored shit about it.

It's so quiet I can hear God laugh at Iraq's expense. I could put a large dent in one of my many unread books. Or watch a few movies. I could do ANYTHING right now. When all these other fuckers are passed out, wet-dreaming about their Jettas waiting for them, I own the night. No distractions. I could cure cancer and map out the human genome.

But most importantly, I can do a whole lot of NOTHING. Just sit back and enjoy the fact that I'm not doing shit. Savor it. Breathe it in. Cuz I got sick of sitting in front of that fucking radio, and I hollered out:

"Ey, Doc! How much longer til I can go back out?"

"Well you can have your medic change your bandage out once a day and you should be fine, there's no infe..."

My attention span lasts me just long enough to hear what I need to hear. So tomorrow, I go back to the old routine, driving a truck or standing out of a hatch or pouring out when the ramp drops. Walking through brown streets with kids screaming shit I'm not paying attention to while the adults hang around shops and courtyards and spend entire days smoking cigarettes and bullshitting and watching us crazy SuperPolice run around like a barrel of monkeys trying to fuck a football.

Yeah, that's the one, back to the machine, the broken record, the horseshit sandwich bite after bite and mmm mmmmm godawful. But for now? Now I'm chilling on my bed, devoid of any responsibility and too burned out to even pretend to have a political outlook on this charade.

And soon I'll put the computer down and roll over, possum defense style under the blankets and slam the ol' eyelids shut. Think and dream about any old regular thing.

Waiting in line at the grocery store, staring at a waitresses' rack, cold beer, hot steak, moving vehicles without armor, people too self absorbed to blow themselves up or put their idea of God before anything else, waiting at stop lights, being overcharged for everything, cussing up a storm every time I fill up my tank, relishing the anxiety and hatred that fills me from head to toe when I spend more than five minutes in a shopping mall.

Paying full price for DVDs, wearing whatever the fuck I want to, never making another excuse, having a 12 year old on Xbox Live call me a pussy and remind me constantly that he fucks my mother, cheering on the losing team, wracking my brain trying to get this babe to forgive me for being a dipshit, having the luxury of sweating the small things.

Going on about life as if I was NEVER EVEN HERE. Some'll tell me that that isn't possible. Whatever, it's my dream, kindly fuck off and I'll see you in the morning.

You stay CLASSY, America!

8 Comments:

  1. Anonymous said...
    I leave you alone for *half an hour* and look what happens! Another rant comes into being.

    On another note... would you say you plan on wracking your brain/being a dipshit a lot? Because that might stunt your promotion potential.

    Just sayin...
    Red said...
    I can hear the sarcasm dripping off of every word. You rock, you know that? You just managed a huge long rant about how much you miss the hip deep bullsh*t that is America, yet somehow managed to make it sound nostalgic. Amazing.

    Keep on keepin' on, Suspect. I seriously have no idea what I would do without you to keep things in perspective for me.
    WmEarl said...
    One wonders how many years of 'this' you can manage - and I am only talking about the being awake and not having to do anything... when I wake I think, and to stop thinking I have to go write, or read, or... but I don't want to be stuck with 'think'. Because think is only 'I' and there is lots of ugly in there that shouldn't see the light of day - and no one should ever think about it. Go back to sleep, when you wake you may not have to think.
    admiyo said...
    The funny thing is, in a few years, when you look back on this, you will be proud that you did it. That is the way of things, the things that suck most now are the things that mean the most later. Just stay in once piece, and don't pick any more scabs.
    Anonymous said...
    ..."It's so quiet I can hear God laugh at Iraq's expense."...

    Soon as I read that I stopped reading and started thinking...and thinking...

    I love that about you -- makin' people think...

    New subject: DUDE! As I was poking around in Mil.com shock & awe pages yesterday I came across something described in HOUSE TO HOUSE -- I kid you not!

    Remember the part where the track was going down the street shooting forward as he moved in reverse, and where one of the guys got hit with something in the eye?

    I grabbed the book and it sure enough seemed the same....so I played them (there are 2) over, and there was Lt Meno and I think even Sgt Bell with the guy who took it in the eye and the Manible Sgt Hughes. And there was Ware, talking on CNN about the guys...I think he's talking about the house Bell went back into alone -- holy cow what a strange feeling to see them in front of me right after I finished the book...

    I suppose I should go back to the page where you told us about the book to see if somebody has already filled you in, but the fact is I'm just too lazy...

    So if you haven't already, go to Shock and Awe on military.com, search on Fallujah. The two clips I'm sure about are called "Battle for Fallujah" and "Fighting in Fallujah"...there's also one on the following page called "Factory Destroyed" -- not so sure about that one tho...

    Some of my neighbors wonder why I "read all that war stuff" -- clearly they haven't paid any attention to the books in my bookcases...so, CHASING GHOSTS is next up...and when Grafton, Jance, Baldacci or Crichton come up with something new I'll squeeze them in...
    Army Sergeant said...
    I ain't gonna break your dream, man.
    Life's got plenty of time for that.

    Good hearing from you, anyway.
    Anonymous said...
    Your post kind of sums it up for a lot of things one might wish had never happened. You WILL get out of there, and of course you will spend the rest of your life dealing with it. I hope that you continue to report on that, too.
    Anonymous said...
    Creativity and imagination are limitless. The days will come when you can tap into both at will. Till then, keep on rollin'.
    CB

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