Reverse Evolution

Have you ever taken a moment to ponder the wonders of the opposable thumb? It allows you to grasp things, like beer bottles, and to clutch the bottle opener as well. It serves many many functions and is an integral part of our daily lives.

I am currently down by one. No no, relax, it isn't severed. I was attempting to stuff my LT's gear into a space that was clearly too small for this massively gypsy-packed monstrosity. I kicked it, I punched it, I pushed on it. And just when it seemed that I wasn't even pushing all that hard, I heard a sound and felt a feeling. This sound was very much like a wet SNAP.

My thumb bent completely backwards, and for a brief second, I thought of my younger brother, who has a double jointed thumb. Instinctively, I yanked this warped hand of mine back, and the mangled digit snapped back into place. It was over before I could fully process it. I stared at my hand in disbelief.

"Sir, did that shit just seriously happen?!"


"Did you HEAR that?"


"What in the...AAAACK! Oh, WOW, FUCK! GAAAAAH!!!!"

"Why don't you try putting that gear over there instead?"


The First Sergeant comes around as I hop off of the truck and lock the back in the most gimped of manners.

"What's wrong, Troop?" he asks.

"I dislocated my thumb First Sergeant. I ain't EVER seen anything like THAT before, that was way outta left field! You shoulda heard the sound it made!" At this point, I paused and contemplated the prospect of throwing up. Instead I went to the aid station, in complete shock.

"How'd you do this?"

"Dealing with LT's gear and it just snapped. It was pretty nasty. I damn near threw up. It was awesome."

"I'll bet. Get some ice and go to the TMC for X-Rays."

No broken bones, they didn't really tell me much about the results or what was wrong, but I assume it's just sprained. It's insane how it just happened to land right back in the joint. Got a brace looking splint on it, and immediately I knew the Jackoff jokes were going to flood out in torrents. I mean, come on. It's ME.


  1. Anonymous said...
    It's amazing how much extra you can take with you when you tie everything on the outside of your assault pack. Nothing like getting whipped in the face by somebody's dangling crap that's 550 corded on the outside. I consider that cheating.
    Anonymous said...
    Well um...I just had knee surgery yesterday morning if it makes your thumb feel better?!?!

    Death Row
    Anonymous said...
    "Want me to take your mind of that pain?" -Snap!-
    - Major Payne
    Jessie said...
    They gonna give you any vacation-inducing pills for it? The kind where you think you're on a tropical island with a couple bikinied women all your own?

    *cringes* Between the snapping back noise in my head and the image of that spider bite on G4...I don't know if I like you much right now, Suspect.
    membrain said...
    Ohhh My Gawd. That was so funny. It's hilarious. Stay safe now!
    hooch said...
    Sometimes you just gotta get pumped up...guess you got to pumpedup for your thumb.
    mamaworecombatboots said...
    Fuck! Sometimes the only word that will do. Glad it popped back in--that was awesome!
    thom paine said...
    Hey! WHERE DAFUKAYA? I figured you were 'bout to go on leave...but how long's your leave... gettin' me (and others probably) a little concerned. keep tellin' us your story..(.You're a damned good writer .. I can even feel the steps you take...) I'm interested..keep talking.
    Ride Easy..Godspeed
    Jenni said...
    Okay, I saw you finally logged into Myspace today, yay. Now you get to read all the ingenious comments I left you. Anyway, hurry up and get another blog up...I want to hear some more crazy, could-only-happen-to-Ryan stories!!!!
    Anonymous said...
    yo, where are you?

Post a Comment