7.20.2007

The Honest Self Evaluation

Apparently this needs to be addressed. Some people don't read between the lines and take my cynicism and sarcasm for what it is. Some take things I write only for face value.

Here's the deal:

I am perfectly fine. I'm ok, I'm not going batshit crazy. I'll continue to purposefully over-exaggerate my aggressions. That's what I do. Sometimes shit here really catches up with me. Most of the time I'm fine. Sometimes I don't sleep well, other times I sleep just fine.

I almost never remember my dreams.

I've had to wake myself up from a couple of them. A few times I've noticed that in dreams, I don't have any body armor or anything like that on. Just the uniform. And also, at crucial moments, I can't get to my rifle, or get it up fast enough.

I don't like sudden loud noises. Go figure. I don't like crowded areas. I definitely don't like people fucking with my free time. I don't like stupid shit affecting my Get-My-Head-Straight time.

I'm compassionate and disillusioned at the same time. I'm aware that I can't help most things I see, but I still want to. I do the little things because that's all I CAN do.

Sometimes I'm on the verge of completely freaking out. When I spend an hour at the PX looking for ONE book worth reading amongst shelves of grocery store quality cliche tomes of dogshit, my blood boils. Because it should NOT be such an arduous task to find something to stimulate the brain.

Sometimes I have to get away from everyone. More so than I used to. Its not that I'm an asshole and don't want any part of them, its that I NEED time to myself.

I do and always WILL do my job to the best of my ability. And every step of the way, I will joke about it, I will shine a light on the bullshit I see. I will say what I want to get a raised eyebrow and a laugh out of a lieutenant.

And I'm doing everything I can to make sure that I'm perfectly fine once this is all over. I don't want to bring baggage home with me. I went to the combat stress people and had a talk with them. I have an appointment in a few days. I told them that I won't take sleeping pills or anything that will fuck with my ability to work. I may end up on some anti-anxiety medication. So be it.

One thing that won't change is that I'm going to use this site to vent and crack jokes and share what's going on. I'm going to say some fucked up things sometimes, things I probably don't even mean. That's what real people do.

I'm a survivor, it's what I do. I keep on trucking. I will drag myself through this deployment kicking and screaming. But if you're looking for someone who doesn't fume over shit he has to go through, you're reading the wrong prose, pal.

This isn't flag waving. It isn't beaming with pride for our leadership. It isn't HOOOOOOAAAHHHH army reading. This is someone who doesn't fit the ideal bill of SOLDIER, but is here doing it anyway.

And while we're cleaning the closet out, let me say something else. I am completely dissatisfied with my writing. I don't think it's up to par, I think I can do way better, but most of the time I'm too tired or too fucked up in general to do a good job. And that aggravates me. So maybe you, the reader, has improvements to look forward to.

That aside, a few more things.

I will endlessly joke about how I'm going to be OUTTA this bitch (the army) when my date is up. Its true, I'm not staying in. What's implied and not said aloud is that I'm fulfilling my commitment willingly. I'm still going to do what I swore I would do. But when it's over, I'm GONE. I put my life on hold.

I didn't enlist for myself. I did it because your sons were coming here anyway, regardless of what my opinions are.

So expect me to continue mission as always, with smartass commentary the entire way. It's who I am. Expect it to go on until the end. Until the day you reach that final post and say to yourself, "Aw man, what now?"

And you follow the link on the last line to TheUnlikelyFratboy.

8 Comments:

  1. Peps said...
    Well, you don't need to take shit from no one is what I'm getting to. All that stuff you're doing out there, has got to count for something, ain't it? 'Cause a lot of shit people are doing around here reading your stuff ain't good enough, so if they can't measure up to your work than don't complain.
    TheUsualSuspect said...
    This right here is another example of why I even put this post up. People misconstruing what I write. It isn't an attack on anyone. It isn't me saying that no one is measuring up to me. I don't know how you came to that conclusion, but apparently I'm not being clear enough.

    I'm thankful for every email and comment I get, I'm grateful that people read this. I'm not attacking anyone. Just my frustrations, one of which is when people MISINTERPRET what I'm trying to say.
    membrain said...
    Well you might be frustrated with your writing Suspect, but I still find it funny as hell. The Unlikely Fratboy indeed. Cheers mate.
    Jessie said...
    I might be confused as to what causes a post, and thus offer food (it's what good southerners do), but I pretty much get that you're just writing it out. That you're doing what everyone else that has a blog is doing. Not that unusual. The added bonus is that people respond. You're just like everyone else, just in a different situation.

    Wanna Milky Way? See, so not a cookie, so it's all in happiness.
    Jenni said...
    as long as whatever frat you join has a good, solid "beirut" table, i'll support your decision...j/k!! (or am i?)

    cory: you're my boy, blue!
    Anonymous said...
    "...And you follow the link on the last line to TheUnlikelyFratboy..."

    i'm looking forward to that day ~ though, unless your writing dramatically improves, i'm not gonna read it

    lol
    Strykeraunt said...
    So are you saying that you didn’t literally use bunk beds, wall locker and a camouflage poncho to build the suspect segregation wall? Bummer, I was totally into that vision in my head :D

    Seriously, your writing is great!! But perfecting talent is healthy because it keeps you moving forward. So, I look forward to the improvements you feel you need to make.

    Everyone I know who has deployed comes home with at least a little baggage. I saw it in the eyes of both nephews for a few months after their return. Their eyes weren’t crazy looking or anything like that…I could just tell that they were beyond the normal tired and still had their situational awareness in hyper speed. Both are back to their new normal but it would be wrong to say that the experience didn’t change them.

    Its great that you are working to offload as much excess as possible. Getting some of it out on this blog can only help in that effort. When I read between the lines I don't see it as an attack on anyone, but some people are not going to read between the lines while others will read it incorrectly. That’s just another reality.

    Take care
    julie anna said...
    Your smartass commentary is really a big highlight for us. Well, for me anyway. You say it how you see it and that's why you are so good. No worries if you are tired and it doesn't sound exactly how you hoped. It's easy to misinterpret over the internet as it is, but your writing still pulls us into your world just the same.

    I hope I didn't offend you by saying you sound like a typical soldier. You sound like alot of soldiers I know, is all. And many of them are getting out of the army too. Good luck with the whole college thing in the future. It really will get you to better places.

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