Welcome To The Jungle

Alas, ladies and gents, I have arrived. This is what I enlisted for, both those wonderful illusion-filled years ago. First off, Kuwait was hotter and sandier and totally devoid of vegetation. I've seen a few trees around here. Not bad I guess.

The plane ride was fucking miserable. Sparing the details, it was cramped, the "seat" was killing my ass, no room to move...you know what? Ask me about it once this is all said and done. Don't want to say too much about how we got here or anything like that. Just have faith in my earnest admission that the plane ride sucked enough to redefine the true spirit of suck.

As for where I am now, well its a lovely place called Somewhere, Iraq. Our nice neat little two or three man housing buildings/trailers/whatever don't even exist yet, so we get to kick it in big tents. More or less open bays with bunk beds and wall lockers. Sound familiar?

Its a long walk to get anywhere, you're pretty much better trying to catch a bus. After you wait a half hour for the next bus, you then get to experience the sinking feeling in that happy little heart of yours when it parks momentarily, jam-packed full of soldiers ready to raid the PX. I hope you like walking.

Coming here, its like being a new private all over again. Like when you first came to basic...no, not that. No, its more like when you first came to your unit. If you're like me, you came with a few guys you went to basic with, so you atleast know them. And you're all neck deep in this bizarre new experience together.

Everyone else around here seems to know the ins and the outs of this place. The NCOs that have already been deployed once, twice, thrice, or more, well they seem to be pretty much automatically adjusted to it. Its us young, dumb, and ugly green guys that walk around wide eyed, heads firmly emplaced in our rectums.

There was some cook riding the bus yesterday, and she seemed so eager to be the one who was "In the know", informing us noobs, I had to turn away to hide my smirk and bite the inside of my cheek to keep from opening my big mouth. She was even throwing around words like "negative" instead of no. That was my breaking point. I started responding to everything she said with, "Oh? Hooah!" I earned my Smart-Ass tab long ago (coincidentally, I had one MADE in Kuwait).

So far, we don't really do much. I went to the gym, and it was oh so magical. Supposedly if I show the least bit of willpower, I might gain some weight out here. The internet center that everyone knows about is worthless crap, with a capital terrible. Internet explorer kept crashing on me, it was to the point that I couldn't even respond to a message on myspace (fuck off, you have it too) from my roommate back at Lewis.

"That sure sucks. What about the phones?"

At this point, I would rather chew my own feet off and run a marathon on bloody stumps over a track of broken glass than try to have a conversation using that miserable excuse for an outhouse. The lines kept cutting out every two minutes or so. Unanimously, seven or eight soldiers would sound off with, "Hello? Hello??? FUCK!!!!"

I was fortunate enough to be informed of a small MWR facility slightly tucked out of view, conveniently un-advertised to the common joe. Its the middle of the day, and there's almost no one in here, and these computers, along with the connection, aren't too bad. This pleases me.

Ok, and now I get to the part that you all REALLY want to hear about, you sick twisted, warped fiends. Have I seen any action yet? Anything going on?

Well, like I said, my worthless ass hasn't done a damn thing except check the fluid on my vehicle and buy bedsheets. But I've seen a column of smoke or two, probably from carbombs or something. I've heard what I'm almost positive was a mortar round impacting. And now and then, usually at night, you'll hear small arms fire break out, and sirens. I was walking back from dinner I think, and it was already dark by the time we were near our tent. Then machine gun fire opens up, and I thought absolutely nothing of it. I've been hearing rifle ranges for the past two years or so. Then it dawned on me. I looked at my friend and remarked that someone out there was probably getting legitimately fucked up.

Welcome to Iraq.


  1. Jenni said...
    "I would rather chew my own feet off and run a marathon on bloody stumps over a track of broken glass than try to have a conversation using that miserable excuse for an outhouse"

    Ewwww...yet so vividly described that readers know exactly what you're feeling...

    You're finally where you set off to be...looking forward to reading more.

    Love you doughboy,
    DebbieKinIL said...
    Coming out of lurkdom to say,

    What? they didn't welcome the "replacements" with open arms? I'm going have to slap those guys. LOL- I'm looking forward to your observations and wit, keep it up. We need it here at home, because MSM doesn't do outhouses (they are the outhouses!)

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